Had a date with Brian (from Bumble). He lives in northwest Charlotte, so I suggested we meet at Red Rocks Café in Birkdale Village — neutral territory. No need for either of us to trek all the way to Uptown or Dilworth.
I got there early — fifteen minutes, to be exact — because I’m old-school like that. Ordered my usual: a Tito’s martini with a twist of lemon. Perfectly chilled, slightly judgmental, just like me.
Brian arrived right on time, and yes, he did look like his photos — a minor miracle in the age of filters and deceit. But the spell broke the moment he sat down and ordered… a Bud Lite. Nothing says “cheap and boring” quite like America’s most flavorless beer. I almost asked the bartender for a sympathy martini.
The small talk began: where are you from, how long have you been here, what do you do for work — the standard Bumble checklist to confirm neither of us was recently paroled.
He’s never had a pet. That’s already a red flag in my world. Anyone who’s never been licked by a dog or ignored by a cat has missed key emotional training.
Then came the nephews. Apparently he has a pair of teenage nephews in St. Louis that he calls “my kids.” They’re coming for a two-week visit, and he proudly announced he’d stocked up on soda pop and junk food from Sam’s Club — an entire carload. I pictured him pulling up to the house like Santa Claus, but with Doritos instead of toys.
We ordered appetizers. I suggested calamari, which earned me a facial expression somewhere between disgust and fear. “Ew, squid?!” So we settled for spinach-queso dip and tortilla chips — the culinary equivalent of a beige wall.
He mentioned loving New York, which perked me up. I asked, “Oh, what’s your favorite restaurant in Manhattan?”
He blinked. “Oh, I never go into Manhattan — too crowded. I like this little Chinese place in Brooklyn. Don’t remember the name.”
So… not exactly a Sex and the City moment.
As the evening dragged, the real deal-breaker surfaced. He confessed he’s cold all the time. Loves the blazing heat of summer. Says he’s never hot. I took a slow sip of my martini and thought, well, that makes one of us.
Check please.